Recently I have been e-mailing with a fellow minion and bottom dweller from my days as a sports promotion intern in college. When you spend countless hours in the trenches with someone, risking your life manning the t-shirt guns and being interrogated by belligerent sports fans demanding to know why you didn't shoot a t-shirt to them four games ago, you get pretty close.
In exchanging recent tales of sin, it came up that my dear friend has been experiencing the same cougar epidemic that has been overcrowding my favorite bars and shaking my very core. The major difference defining our experiences with these saucy little minxes is the ultimate factor: the penis. He has one, and I don't. It seems like a simple biological difference, but it is oh so much more. Apparently if you have a penis, it gives you the magical ability to bang hot older women while in your twenties, and get the sweet young stuff when you are well into your forties.... I'd be interested to know if there are any laws of transference with this magical ability, and/or any way help guys get it up when they're drunk. If that could be worked out, I would be a little more willing to accept this sick social truth.
Why, dear god, why, can guys be worshipped as bachelor gods well into their forties, yet single women have to make some quick right of passage choices in their thirties about whether they want to just fast track it to a life of spinsterhood, spending every friday night kicking back bottles of wine and yelling slurred four letter words at the tivo and cats in turn, or take the alternate life path of being a rabid cougar, prowling around dark college bars, pretending every week is mardi gras.
To be honest, after fleshing out those options, and eyeing the nearly empty bottle of wine sitting next to me, I'm thinking that they sound pretty damn good. I suppose the trade off of having the wonderous biological gift of being a perpetual player is outweighed by the fact that vaginas always go up, and vibrators never get too nervous. Oh Peekachu, i love you.
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